The internet has made us wiser... I strongly believe that connecting to the web once a day can help to keep you sane. So here I present to you some really wonderful web jewels. None of them are mine. Most have been sent to me by friends who thought they'd like to brighten up my day.

Let me brighten up yours!

Ode to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
 

Heaven's Grocery Store


 As I was walking down life's highway many years ago

I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store.

When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide
And when I came to myself
I was standing inside.
I saw a host of angels.
 They were standing everywhere
One handed me a basket and said "My child shop with care."
Everything a human needed was in that grocery store
And what you could not carry you could come back for more
First I got some Patience.
 Love was in that same row.
 Further down was Understanding,
 you need that everywhere you go.

I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two.
 And Charity of course
 I would need some of that too.
I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost
 It was all over the place.
 And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.
My basket was getting full
 but I remembered I needed Grace,
 

And then I chose Salvation for
 Salvation was for free
 I tried to get enough of that to save for you and me.
 Then I started to the counter
 to pay my grocery bill,
 For I thought I had everything
 to do the Masters will.

As I went up the aisle
 I saw Prayer and put that in,
 For I knew when I stepped outside
I would run into sin.

Peace and Joy were plentiful,
 the last things on the shelf.
 Song and Praise were hanging near
so I just helped myself.
 Then I said to the angel
 "Now how much do I owe?"
 He smiled and said
 "Just take them everywhere you go."


 Again I asked "Really now,
 How much do I owe?"
"My child" he said, "God paid your bill a long long time ago."
 

The Trouble Tree
The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day

on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start.

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
 

bitter person's horoscope

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces ****  small animals and pick their noses.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the butt.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. You are a butthead.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. They are known as the world's greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
 

The Fact Of Life

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

4. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.


5. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

6. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

7. Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

8. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

9. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

14. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

15. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

16. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

17. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

18. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
 

Moral Maze

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.



Which of these candidates would be your choice?



Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.



















Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolf Hitler



If you said yes to the abortion question...

...you just killed Beethoven.
 

Some people can tell

 what time it is

by looking at the sun,

 but I have never

been able to make out

 the numbers.

More things to ponder...

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

When your pet birds sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?

 

Technical Support Request Form

Due to a change in the company's operating procedures, all technical support requests

 will need to be initiated by first filling in the form below. When completed, place into the

 INFORMATION MANAGEMENT INBOX (also known as the wastebasket).

COMPUTER PROBLEM SELF-REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________

2. Now, describe your problem accurately: __________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor ___ B. Minor ___ C. Minor ___ D. Trivial ___

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up ___ B. Frozen ___ C. Hung ___ D. Shot ___

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes ___ No ___

7. Is it turned on? Yes ___ No ___

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes ___ No ___

9. Have you made it worse? Yes ___

10. Have you read the manual? Yes ___ No ___

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes ___ No ___

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No ___

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes ___ No ___

14. If 'Yes', then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ____________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ___________________________________________________

17. If 'nothing', explain why you were logged in: ___________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes ___ No ___

19. How does this problem make you feel? ___________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood: ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes ___ No ___

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes ___

Irish Virus

THINGS THAT REALLY ANNOY YOU!

 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Too  right I do! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
 is. Why  would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
 people do this? Who and where are they?

 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No dear,
 I paid £4.50 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

 When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
 there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
 then there must have been something before it.

People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
 So what did they used to be? Ears?, Wellington boots?

 
***When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest
 damn thing anyone ever  does!! What can you do that's longer?***
 

TWENTY THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

 

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian; any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

And more facts (how I love them !!)

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. (I bet it worked, too.)

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.

Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in 99. And, rightfully so.

Mosquitoes have teeth.

Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

Aztec emperor Montezuma had nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

In Estland, it is against the Law to play chess whilst having intercourse.

Surely, very soon the internet will  overcome the various language barriers. But until then, let us enjoy the various english approaches all over the world.

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such things please do not read notice.

In Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Roman doctors office: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driver is then going alphabetically by national order.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktail for ladies with nuts.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.

In a Yugaslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian, and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering for skiers: Do not perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss resturant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit because is big rush we will excecute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germanies Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave you clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse drawn city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: How would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a women even if a foreigner if dressed as man.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: Is this your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the gaurd on duty.

In a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

In a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passanger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking: Here speeching american.

to other people's views and thoughts